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<![CDATA[
Version 2.0
by Zenith
the early shit (written early Autumn 99) (note- this was written in the time
of Flaming Kitty and ZZTude. No offense is meant to Parasite or KKairos, who
have since become cool.)
Chapter 1: Destruction
Scene 1: #darkdigital. Several ZZTers are idling.
<CJM> GOD DAMNIT I SUCK SUCK SUCK
<hm> dammit knightt, you don't suck.
* Nadir has entered #darkdigital
<Herc> Zenith!
<Nadir> Hey everyone, is zzt.org down? I can't get into the zzt.archive.
<skullie> xabbott probably took it down again
<hm> i doubt it. he would've told me.
<Herc> Indeed.
<hm> well, let's go check it out. come on, zen.
<Nadir> Why me?
<hm> just because.
<Nadir> impeccable logic.
<CJM> This dialog sucks more than i do.
<Herc> Zen's only just started this. Give him a break.
* hm has left #darkdigital
<Nadir> Wait for me!
* Nadir has left #darkdigital
<CJM> GOD DAMNIT I SUCK SUCK SUCK
Scene 2: The zzt.archive, locked. HM is jangling a giant ring of keys into the
lock.
HM: well, it won't open and someone's changed the locks.
Zenith: Hmm. (looks down)
HM: whut?
Zenith: I just happen to have some plastic explosive in my left pocket.
HM: give it here, peon.
Zenith: Maybe I don't WANT to!!
HM: GIVE ME THE DAMNED PUTTY
Zenith: COME GET IT HOLLAND BOY
HM: IT'S CALLED THE *NETHERLANDS* YOU DUMBFUCK
Zenith: HOLLLLLLLLLLLLAND
(Confused by Zen's constant shouts of "HOLLAND! HOLLAND!!@#$%", HM becomes
disoriented and confused. He stares into space and starts saying "what is
going on? why?" Zenith takes the opportunity to push him into the mud.)
Zenith: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(XAbbott, the XAbbot with two tees, walks up the path to Zenith.)
XAbbott: enough fun. hm, have you got my keys?
HM: (gets up) yes, but someone's changed the locks. Zen has some plastic
explosive BUT HE'S NOT SHARINGGG
XAbbott: WE SHALL HAVE TO MAKE HIM SEE THE BENEFITS OF SHARING
(XAbbott pulls out a dead trout the size of Birmingham, and pummels Zenith
over the head with it a few times.)
Zenith: Agh! Fine, take the fucking thing!!
XAbbott: thank you so very much.
(XAbbott sticks the putty onto the door, lights a match, runs away and throws
the match at the door. There is a pause. A long pause. A very long pause.
Nothing happens.)
XAbbott: um...what happened?
HM: very little.
(XAbbott steps towards the door. As soon as he gets close to it, it explodes
in his face. BAGN)
XAbbott: ow! my eyelid!!
HM: who cares about that cliche, the door's open.
(They walk into the archive, and are greeted with a horrible sight...)
Scene 3: Inside the archive
(They look around. Normally the za is akin to a shopping mall for ZZT games,
complete with a happy fountain. Now, the place looks derelict and the fountain
is dry. Even the GOTM case is missing.)
XAbbott: AUGHH!!!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!?!?!?
HM: i didn't do it!
Zenith: so...very...cold...
XAbbott: my creation...my beautiful creation...(sob)
HM: well, the others are hysterical. i guess it's up to me to tell all back
at #dd.
(HM walks out.)
Zenith: Waah! I miss the submit button already!
(There is a movement under a pile of rubble as Dragonlord crawls out, up to
the duo. He looks to be in a worse state than the archive.)
XAbbott: dragon, what happened?!
Dragonlord: Th-they hacked every *cough* thing.....
Zenith: Who?
Dragonlord: They, the *cough*hack*cough* (Dragonlord expires quietly.)
Zenith: Oh my god! They killed Dragon!
XAbbott: you bastards!!
(HM returns, tarred and feathered.)
HM: ...they didn't take it too well.
XAbbott: they killed Dragonlord!
HM: who?
Zenith: We don't know, but we can take a guess. Who'd have the motive to do
this?
XAbbott: who would commit such a heinous crime?
Zenith: I bet it was one of the lamers at the message boards! They'd want to
get back at us for treating them badly and calling them newbies.
XAbbott: doubt it. those guys couldn't hack their way out of a wet paper bag.
Zenith: Hmm, maybe. Let's go czech it out, anyway.
(Zenith, HM and XAbbott saunter off in the general direction of the mbs,
leaving Dragonlord lying dead in the rubble. Or is he...?)
Dragonlord: (lifts his head up) Uh, guys? Guys, come back! I'm not dead!!
HM: yes you are.
Dragonlord: I've lost the feeling in my legs! I need help! Help!!
(but they have left.)
Dragonlord: Damn it! (he resumes being dead.)
Scene 4: the archive message boards. This place looks like a kiddies' club
house. ZZTude looks out of the window.)
ZZTude: i snense a distubance in the force,
Parasite: Yes, you do. Wow, your force-sensing powers are impressive. You
should join <strike>Flaming Kitty</strike> Vision Tech! E-mail me now!
Skepty: Why don't you shut the *ahem* up for once? LOLOOOLOL
Parasite: Hey, don't you cough in my general direction!
Skepty: Oh yeah, you wanna *ahem* with me, punk? LOLL
Parasite: Bring it on, bitch!!
NerTo: Now, why don't we just discuss this like semi-intelligent mammals?
Parasite: Screw you, Christian boy!
ZZTude: shut up, peopple! i seee smoething.
(They all look out of ZZTude's vantage point.)
Parasite: Bah. That pussy, Zenith, has returned to OUR message boards. And
he's brought the filth.
Skepty: You mean HM and XAbbott? LOLOOL
Parasite: Yep.
Skepty: Maybe they've come to evict us! LOL
FutureWarePrez: I doubt it. Where's the angry mob with pitchforks and torches?
(Before anyone can reply, there is a loud smashing sound as XAbbott blasts it
down with his 31337 powers.)
Zenith (oov): Why didn't you do that before?
XAbbott (oov): it's a free country. hm, fix that later, pwease.
(Cut to ground floor. XAbbott is standing around inspecting the decor. HM is
crouched over, inspecting at a bright yellow book on the floor. Zenith is busy
inspecting something green and disgusting he pulled out of his nose. HM puts
on some plastic gloves and picks up the book.)
HM: hmm. "hacking into the zzt.archive for dummies." pretty incriminating
evidence, chief.
XAbbott: god, this place has deteriorated since i was last here.
Zenith: Anyone wanna hear me belch "Stayin' Alive"?
HM & XAbbott: NO!
Zenith: Fine, be that way!
HM: look, why don't you make yourself useful and take this back to #dd.
Zenith: Okay.
HM: put these plastic gloves on. don't bleed or cum on it, or anything. we may
need to use dna testing on it.
(Zenith pulls the gloves on, snatches the book off HM, and makes his merry
way back to #darkdigital.)
HM: phew, we got rid of that loser. let's go confront those guys.
Scene 5: #darkdigital. there is discussion taking place- all the IRCing ZZTers
(minus Dragon, HM and XAbbott) have congregated in #dd awaiting news of the
crisis.
<drac0> uhuhuhuehehehuhheh. :D~
<pickledpinklady> and that's how we eat! THROUGH HOLES IN OUR HEADS
<tseng> that was enlightening, juju.
<FishFood> YAY SIRSS
<Lord_Igsel> OHH DEAR
* Nadir has entered #darkdigital
<Shigesato> Zen!
<Scribbit> Any news about the za?
<Nadir> We've discovered that, although the za has been fully looted, the
mbs were left intact, the inhabitants were acting strangely, and we found a
copy of "Hacking into the zzt.archive for Dummies".
<G-Dawg> could it mean something?
<Nadir> Possibly. We just...don't know.
(They all sit around wondering, who could have done it. Who, indeed?)
<tseng> i know! it was the FUCKING EGG GAMES
<Nadir> No.
<Ringworm> Uh, maybe it was, y'know, the zzt.archive mb newbies.
<Nadir> BRILLIANT DEDUCTION WATSON
<gchucky> LETTUCE CRUSH THE NEWBIES
<Viovis> WARRRR!!!!!!!!!!!1111 I LIKE FOOD IT IS NECCESSARY FOR LIFE
<Scribbit> Normally, I'd use the cop-out way out and attempt to resolve our
differences in a calm, rational manner, etc...
<tucan> they've gone too far this time! AND YOU STOLE MY LINE
(Simultaneously, all the #dder's pull out the aforementioned pitchforks and
torches.)
<Nadir> WITCHHUNT TIME
<everyone> KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL 'EM ALL!
<Nadir> Being killed hurts.
<Shigesato> Indeed.
(They all exit #darkdigital, and fall into the sea.)
<zxm0n> Eek.
(They drag themselves out of the sea, and head towards the za.)
Scene 6: the za mbs again. XAbbott and HM have tied Skepty to a chair and are
shining a lamp at him. XAbbott wears shades and sits on a chair backwards.
HM: hahaha, ve haff vayz of makink you talk.
Skepty: It wasn't me! I swear! LOOL
XAbbott: No you don't. *ahem* (that was a silly play on words. Sorry.)
Skepty: You've got to believe me! It was ZZTude and Parasite, not me! LOLOLOL
HM: shifting the blame, are we? looks like we'll have to show him...the
YELLOW ROOM!!!
Skepty: Hahaha! I bet I can survive anything you screws can throw at me! I'LL
NEVER TALK LOLLLL
(HM and Zab pick Skepty up and drag him down a corridor with a strip of green
lino down the centre. After a while they meet their destination, the YELLOW
ROOM!!!)
Skepty: Nooo! This is a cruel and unusual punishment! LOL
(They throw him into the room. The YELLOW ROOM!!! is a 25x60 foot rectangular
room. It is empty, apart from a bright yellow wall which runs around it.
Basically, the room has a yellow border, the only difference being that there
is a door and a two-way mirror, although Skepty can see HM and XAbbott through
it for some reason.
Skepty: Let me out, you b-----ds! LOLOOL!!! (he starts kicking the wall like
a maniac. However, HM and XAbbott do not see this act of aggression...)
HM: i never knew Skepty was that ugly.
XAbbott: you idiot, that's us! who installed this thing back to front?
HM: oops, must've been a faulty cgi script. hang on, i'll just reconfigure it.
(HM pulls out his laptop, turns it on, waits several years for Windows 98 to
load, types in a password, waits for his modem to handshake, modifies the
cgi a little, signs off and shuts down. He looks up to the mirror, and sees
into the yellow room, also seeing Skepty hurtling towards the mirror at a high
speed.)
HM: this won't end well.
(They both move out of the way of the mirror as Skepty crashes through it,
escaping back down the corridor with a cry of "LOLOOLOL!!!!!!!11111")
HM: fuck it, i hate my life.
XAbbott: hey, what's that noise?
HM: sounds like a gathering of ignorant torch-wielding townspeople bent on
destroying all things new and misunderstood!
XAbbott: could be, little buddy.
(Suddenly, there is a loud crash upstairs.)
XAbbott: before this scene ends, i'm dying to learn how there just HAPPENS
to be a torture chamber CONVENIENTLY placed beneath the message boards.
HM: the wonders of plot holes.
(Suddenly, ZZTude and Parasite jump HM and XAbbott from behind, and throw them
into the YELLOW ROOM!!!...)
HM & XAbbott: Aghhh!!
Scene 7: the message boards again. The #dders stand at the entrance.
Dexter: what was that noise YOU UNORIGINAL BASTARD
Knightt: I didn't hear anything. But then, I suck.
Zenith: Dammit Knightt, you don't suck!
Knightt: Well, now we've infiltrated the boards, now what?
Zenith: I have no idea, sir.
Chuck: i should have taken charge. im more important than any of you newbies!
Zenith: If you think we're newbies, why don't you just go and set up a third-
party bad-dude operation, like in all those damn Marvel cartoons?
Chuck: fine, i will. come, blazer.
(Chuck storms off in a huff. Balzer follows at Chuck's heel.)
Knightt: Why don't we just destroy stuff while we're here?
FishFood: I don't know, why don't we just destroy stuff while we're here?
Knightt: Because we suck.
Everyone in the crowd: DAMMIT KNIGHTT YOU...UH, WE DON'T SUCK!!
(not knowing what to do, everyone leaves, disappointed.)
Zenith: Well, that was anti-climactic.
(meanwhile, upstairs...)
ZZTude: waht just happned?/
NerTo: How did they bust down the door when XAbbott smashed it earlier?
ZZTude: becuase.
NerTo: "Becuase" what?
ZZTude: becuuaes teeen preist wssnt funnu.
NerTo: Don't change the subject.
#end (to be continued!)
"COME GET IT HOLLAND BOY"
--
Chapter 2: Life with Loopy
Note- This whole AustNet = battle.net thing actually happened. The "Time
loops" phrase was coined by Dragonlord, who was the only other person I was
able to communicate coherently with. The whole thing was a saga episode
waiting to be written, and this was written a couple of days after it
happened. All the ZZTers featured in this story were there at the time.
Scene 1: #darkdigital. It's fairly empty, only Hercules, Dragonlord, Scribbit,
Tseng and Zenith are congregated.
<Nadir> Gee, it sure was nice of Chuck to let us into #dd again after that
little spat at the mbs.
<Scribbit> Nice nothing. If he kicked us all out, the channel would die.
Meanwhile...
AustNet HQ, aka Knightt's home. There's a bad storm brewing overhead.
Suddenly a lightning bolt hits the HQ, blowing the fuse on a toaster. This
small change affects the goings on of the Universe, eventually cumulating in
the complete destruction of all the AustNet bots.
<ChanOP> *brrzap*
<NickOP> *nmiaow*
The bots all explode so violently that they send a ripple through time and
space...
(Note: the following segment may confuse and disorientate. You have
been warned.)
As the time ripple hits #darkdigital, everything goes awry...
<Herc> What was that explosion?
(no answer)
<Dragon1> I just said that!
<Nadir> Just said what?
<Herc> Hello, can anyone hear me?
<Scribbit> This is worrying.
<Nadir> I CAN HEAR YOU PERFECTLY
<Herc> Hellooo?
<Scribbit> I'm scared.
* tseng has left #darkdigital
<tseng> man, not this again...
<Nadir> What's happening, Tseng?
<Dragon1> You just left!
<Nadir> You just said what, Drag?
<Herc> Tseng, can you hear me?
(Confused? Good.)
<Nadir> Either I'm lagged, or the world has gone to hell.
<Dragon1> The world's gone to hell.
<tseng> i hear ya, herc.
<Nadir> Dragon, can you hear me?
<Scribbit> Hello?!
<Herc> What's going on?
<Dragon1> Loud and clear.
* tseng has joined #darkdigital
<Nadir> I'm seeing double here! Four Tsengs!
<Dragon1> What a hideous predicament for the world.
<Dragon1> It's official, AustNet has become battle.net.
<Nadir> Meaning..?
<Dragon1> I'm telling you, everything's FUCKED!!@#$%
<Nadir> We're caught in a time loop! AAAA
(For the sake of coherency, I shall now split the time loops into the
factions of people who can communicate. This is as follows- loop #1 = Dragon
and Zenith, #2 = Herc and Tseng, and #3 = Scribbit, who has to stay alllll on
his ownio. waah)
Scene 2: #darkdigital, loop 1.
* Nadir watches the funky effect of the other #dders flicking back and forth
like a bad video recording.
<Nadir> Coo'
<Dragon1> We're screwed.
<Nadir> Ho yuss.
Scene 3: loop 3. Scribbit is stood in a mist that descended upon his
entrance to the ripple. As it clears, it becomes apparent that he is no
longer in #dd- he is stood at the side of a dark, creepy looking road by a
swamp.)
<Scribbit> I hate my life.
(Suddenly, Scribb sees lights in the distance. He covers his eyes as it gets
closer, eventually stopping in front of him. In the mist, he can just make
out the lettering "The Mystery Machine" on the side of what appears to be a
van.)
<Scribbit> Something very, very bad is going to happen to me.
(An unkempt, stoned looking 17-year old and a brown Great Dane hop out.)
<Shaggy> Like, what's a grey smiley face with a dark grey background such as
yourself doing on a lonely stretch of road at this time of night?
<Scribbit> Knightt! I wasn't expecting to see you here.
<Shaggy> ...huh?
<Scribbit> Sorry, I thought you were someone else. Well, I was in #darkdigital
a few minutes ago, and-
<Shaggy> Hey, we can take you with us to Uncle Lyle's house! He'd put you up
for the night. Can we, Fred?
<Freddy> (oov) Sure.
<Scooby> Right Raggy! Eheheehehehehehe!!!
<Scribbit> I don't get a choice.
Scene 4: #darkdigital, loop #2
<Herc> Tseng, what are you doing?
<tseng> i've seen this happen before, children. austnet has blown ripples
through time (nmiaow) so we can't communicate with anyone else. i figure that,
if we catch a ripple with this device, we could actually travel backwards and
forwards in time!
<Herc> Goshy. But wouldn't it have catastrophic consequences on the Universal
timeline, possibly destroying life as we know it?
<tseng> of course, that's the fun. point being?
<Herc> Shift happens. Carry on.
(meanwhile, back in loop #1...)
<Nadir> I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! WE'VE BEEN TRAPPED FOR WEEKS, POSSIBLY
MONTHS ALREADY!!
* Nadir eyes Dragon hungrily. nmiaow.
<Dragon1> Nads, why are you looking at me like that?
<Nadir> MUSST...EAT...FOOB
<Dragon1> Oh, shit!
(Zenith puts on a bib with an ABC logo on it, whips out a knife and fork, and
lunges for Dragonlord. Drag, sensing the imminent danger to various parts of
his anatomy, has already flown out of the way. He angrily breaths a jet of
fire at Zenith, just missing him by a few millimetres. Zenith jumps at Dragon
with his machete, screams "BONSAI!!!!!!!!!!!!111", and spears Dragonlord's ass
causing him to fall to the ground. Zenith then begins to chew on Drag's leg.
<Nadir> Yum. How long have we been here, anyway? (resumes chewing)
<Dragon1> About twenty minutes.
Scene 5: Uncle Lyle's house, ext.
<Thelma> Chinkies! Sure is a creepy place!
(She goes to open the door. Uncle Lyle appears out of nowhere.)
<Unky Lyle> Oh, thank goodness you kids finally got here!
<Daphne> What's the problem?
<Scribbit> (to self) Oh god, not a Scooby Doo cartoon. I was hoping it was
just a horrible, horrible coincedence.
<Uncle Lyle> The reason I called you kids over! Come in.
(He ushers them into the house. They sit in the hall.)
<Uncle Lyle> You see, strange things have been happening around here. The-
<Scribbit> No, don't tell me, I can guess. We've turned up here and now
there's some weirdo running around with several ounces of costume make-up on,
trying to scare everyone away. And I bet he/she/it is called "The Phantom
Menace" or somesuch, who will chase Shaggy and Scooby around while Freddy and
Daphne go off to have sex someplace. Then Thelma will say "Chinkies! I found
a clue!" and then you'll catch the monster with a really stupid plan and it'll
turn out to be someone we hardly saw at all who would have got away with it
too, if it weren't for those blasted meddling kids.
<Freddy> Wow, how did you know all that?
<Unky Lyle> And how did you know the name of the monster?!
<Scribbit> ..you people are idiots.
Scene 6: #darkdigital, loop #2. Tseng puts a spanner on the floor and steps
back from his contraption.
<tseng> finished! when do you want to go today? (tm Microsoft)
<Herc> Hey, what's that sound?
(Suddenly, an identical time machine, Herc and Tseng pop into existance behind
Tseng. The identical Tseng exits the identical machine. IT'S IDENTICALTASTIC)
<tseng#2> it works! I AM SOOO COOL
<Herc#2> Yay. Now, let's see if we can locate Zen and Drag.
<tseng> wha- (turns around)
(The extra Tseng re-enters the machine, and it disappears. Beat.)
<tseng> i don't see anything. c'mon herc, let's test drive the machine and
drive it to two minutes ago!
<Herc> Butbutbut-
(They step into the machine.)
<Herc> Dude, it's like the Tardis in here!
<tseng> no, it's a zzt thing.
* tseng presses a button and the machine makes a small noise.
<Herc> THAT was anti-climactic.
(they peer out of the machine, and see themselves from five minutes ago.
Tseng exits the machine.)
<tseng> it works! I AM SOOO COOL
<Herc> Yay. Now, let's see if we can locate Zen and Drag.
<tseng#2> wha- (turns around)
(Tseng re-enters the machine, and taps a few buttons. It disappears into the
time-space continuum...)
<tseng#2> i don't see anything. c'mon herc, let's test drive the machine and
drive it to two minutes ago!
<Herc#2> Butbutbut-
Scene 7: loop #3, Uncle Lyle's house. Dodgy sixties music plays in the
background as Shaggy, Scooby and Scribbit run away from a creeeepy OOGA
BOOGA ghosty.
<Shaggy> Zoiks! It's gaining on us!
<Scooby> Roh rohh!
<Scribbit> I hate you all.
(They all run into a closet and slam the door. A few seconds later the
SCAAARY MONSTA runs up to the door and opens it. Shaggy, Scooby and Scribbit
are there, dressed as barbers.
<Scribbit> Please kill me. This is a living hell.
(Almost on cue, an invisible hand shoots out of thin air and yanks Scribb into
empty space.
<Shaggy> Like, zoiks!
(inside the time machine...)
<Scribbit> Dude, it's like the Tardis in here!
<Herc> No, it's a ZZT thing.
<Scribbit> Herc! Tseng! SALVATION!! How'd you find me?
<tseng> we picked up intense pain signals emanating from the area.
<Scribbit> I never, EVER want to do that again.
<Herc> Come on, let's save Zen and Drag from their time loop.
Scene 8: loop #1.
<Nadir> ...
<Dragon1> ...
<Nadir> ...
<Dragon1> ...
<Nadir> ...
<Dragon1> WEE
<Nadir> WEE = URINE
<Dragon1> WHEE
<Nadir> WHEE = UHRINE
<Dragon1> WXEE
<Nadir> WXEE = UXRINE
<Dragon1> 1 4/\/\ 31337
<Nadir> I M JOEYC WHO R U
<Dragon1> R U JOEYC 2
(JDewbre suddenly appears out of the ether.)
<JDewbre> I HATE YOU EMILY DICKENSON@#$%!
(JDewbre returns to obscurity.)
<Nadir> I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bored.
<Dragon1> AS AM I
<Nadir> 1N/>33|)
<Dr490n1> 7h15 15 p01n71355.
<N4d1r> Y35
<Dr490n1> 4RR
<N4d1r> 1 4M A 1337 H4><0R D00D!
<Dr490n1> 1 W111 H4X0R U!!!!!!1111
<Nadir> 1 5\_/(|< 1 5\_/(|<
<Dragon1> />/-\/\/\/\/\|7 |</\/|977 \_/ />()/\/7 5\_/(|<
<Nadir> OHH DEAR
<Dragon1> OHH DEAR INDEED
<Nadir> That was a LOT of filler.
<Dragon1> Well, it was mildly amusing.
<Nadir> It was? Wow. This is easier than I thought!
(Nadir and Dragon begin to blink to the tune of the Blue Danube. Blink blink
blink blink blink, blink blink, blink blink... Suddenly there is a sound.)
<Nadir> The hell is that? (Points to time machine that has just popped into
existance. The door opens.) What creatures could lurk within?! (Tseng
stumbles out.) OHH SHIT IT'S NOT HUMAN
<tseng> shut up, or i won't got you out of this hellhole.
<Nadir> Fine, shutting up. Am in the process of shutting up...5, 4, 3, 2, 1,
there. I've shut up. Talk I shall not. Nope, not at all.
<tseng> SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
<Nadir> I just did!
* tseng punches zenith in the jaw.
<Nadir> Ouch! Oh, fine.
<tseng> hop in, before i change my mind.
<Dragon1> YAY SIRS
<Nadir> YAY IS GAY
(they step into the time machine.)
<Dragon1> Dude, it's like the Tardis in here!
<Scribbit> No, it's a ZZT thing.
* tseng enters the cockpit (nmiaow) and closes the door.
<Herc> (from his armchair) So, where now? Can we go back to watch important
events in history, screw them up, and then come back to the present to see
what effects it has on the timeline?
<tseng> some other time. we need to get outta this mess.
(Tseng turns on the warp drive. The machine disappears into the timestream,
with a Myst-book type noise.)
Whummmmmm, tish tish ish sh h!
Scene 9: the IF HQ. The time machine appears six feet above the ground, hangs
there for a second, then realises it needs to fall to the ground. It does so,
but in the process lands on Hydra.
(The door opens. The ZZTers come out of the machine.)
Hercules: Ahh, home again.
Dragonlord: Shouldn't we do something about the time disruptions on AustNet?
Tseng: nah. it'll sort itself out, eventually. we should warn the other
zzters not to go in.
Zenith: Why? It'd be fun to watch them all descend into the Twilight Zone.
Tseng: okay, we'll not tell 'em. i'm putting this machine somewhere safe for
now.
(And they all watched the other ZZTers descend into insanity for the rest of
the day. Fun fun!)
Hydra: I think one of my lungs has burst.
#end
"Dude, it's like the Tardis in here!"
--
Chapter 3: Shaving Private Parts
(Also known as: The Chapter That Is Guaranteed To Annoy NovaScorpio.)
(note: this isn't an early episode, it's one I'm typing out right now.
For the sake of continuity however, Parasite and KKairos are still bad dudes.
I have big big plans to fix that...)
While the high jinks and wizard japes in chapter two took place, something
more sinister was underway...or not.
ZZTude: im broed1
Parasite: Me too. let's go torture those guys in the YELLOW ROOM!!! again.
ZZTude: ok loll
Scene 1: The YELLOW ROOM!!! XAbbott and HM are still locked in.
HM: bah.
XAbbott: what's that noise?
(Outside the yellow room we see Parasite and ZZTude approach.)
Parasite: Soooo, what today? Friendly fire or Ping-pong?
ZZTude: flollow ur hartt.
(Parasite presses the button marked "Friendly Fire".)
XAbbott: that noise...an infernal sound of pc speakers gone awry...
HM: it's getting louder! it's going beyond my pain threshold!!! AAAAA
(Suddenly, hundreds of blue inverted smiley faces materialise. They all get
out guns and start firing at the duo.)
HM: agh. fewer pitbulls.
XAbbott: THEY'RE TORTURING US WITH BAD PROGRAMMING!!
(The smilies all move about a bit. Some of them get in the way of the other
smilies' degree sign bullets and get hit. The hit smilies disappear.)
HM: dammit.
(The process repeats until only one blue smiley remains. After walking around
pointlessly for a few seconds, it emits a loud BLEEPing sound and the words
"ERR: Bad command #EDNGAMEEHOORAH" flash on the south wall of the YELLOW
ROOM!!!. It then disintegrates.)
HM: dammit, dammit all.
XAbbott: this is a cruel and unusual punishment!
Skepty: Told you so. LOLOOL
Parasite: (presses the off button) Enough of this hilarity. Let's go to
#zztmetro to scare old people and children.
Scene 2: #sledgehammer.
<Dragon1> I AM THE HOSS
<tseng> NO NADIR IS THE HOSS
<Nadir> I'M NOT THE HOSS!!!!!!@#$%^&
<tseng> YOU JUST SAY THAT I KNOW THE TRUTH
<Scribbit> OHH DEAR
<Nadir> GREEEEEEEEEEN IS EVIL
<Kid_Vid2> NTO ASS EIVL AS MYY PENII
<Scribbit> J0R PEEEEEEEEENII R MAGIKAL!!!!11111 ALL 69 0FF DEM
<Lord_Igsel> YSE BUT TEHY RNT AS MGIKL AS DARGON"Z MASSIVV PENUZ
<Dragon1> QIUT LEIKIBG MYY PENNUS!!!!111
<FishFood> YAY SIRS
<G-Dawg> YAY SRI11
<Dragon1> YAY
<G-Dawg> YAYAYAAYAYAYYYAYAYAYYYAYAYYAYAAAYAYAYAYAYYYYAYYAYAYAAY
<ultrax> YAYAY
<Lord_Igsel> OHH DREA
<Dragon1> WEE
<Nadir> WEE = URINE
<Dragon1> WEE
<Nadir> WEE = URINE
<ultrax> WEE HERAD YOU THE FRRST TEIM
<Nadir> OHH GOD
<Kid_Vid2> CHUCK SUCKS
<Nadir> CHUCK IS GAY
<Scribbit> FUCK CHUCK
(nb. this is an intellectual conversation on IRC. Really.)
* gchucky has entered #sledgehammer
<Kid_Vid2> CHUCK FU- oh, hi Chuck.
<gchucky> damnit. my plaster man will soon be complete!
<Dragon1> It sucks that the zzt.archive is dead.
<tseng> i'm sure we'll all get over the trauma.
<Kid_Vid2> I haven't seen XAbbott or HM in a few days, either. AND I DONT
CARE
<G-Dawg> I say we should go look for 'em. They could be in trouble.
Who's with me?
<Lord_Igsel> OAKY
<Nadir> I'll come. I was last to see them, at the mbs.
<FishFood> I'LL CUM
* FishFood stains his pants.
<FishFood> UNGH
<ultrax> WHY NOT?????//// ALL ELSE I HVAE 2 DOO IS MASTABEETUN
<G-Dawg> Dude, that's disgusting. Okay, Nad, Vid, Fish, Ig, Scribb, Ultra,
come on.
<FishFood> (winces) You'll have to excuse me. I've just cum.
<Nadir> Quit that, it's gross.
(And so, with DoggyShop and his 31337 hard-drive crashing powers as leader,
the seven sick freaks set off back to ERI HQ's war room (yes, it has one) to
plan how to save HM and XAbbott from a fate worse than the Backstreet Boys...)
Scene 3: ERI's war room! The seven sit around a round desk in a round room,
surrounded by a giant map of the world which is upon the wall. It is dark,
and the whole thing bears a suspicious resemblance to the war room back in
Famous' original SaGa...
DoggyShop: Right, if our suspicions are correct and HM and XAbbott are indeed
being held in the mb dungeons, the lamers'll have the place fortified. We'll
have to go in another way. FishFood, show the others the plan of 31337n355.
FishFood: YAY SIRR. right, we did a little research, and we found out that the
#/mefallsover fridge has a pathway directly to the message boards.
UltraX: But that would be suicide! Remember what happened last time...
FishFood: the Sim-#/mfo incident, yes. We won't have to go there, this time.
But all manner of wack could happen in the fridge.
(A middle-aged tea-lady enters the room.)
FishFood: Our plan is...thankyou, Miss Lower. You prepared the powercut juice
just as I like it (hands her a five pound note.) As I was saying, the plan is
to get in through the fridge, kick some ass, save HM and XAbbott, and leave
before they send out Evan Darrow.
(The tea-lady exits the room.)
Zenith: (to self) ..some plan. Anything else?
FishFood: Yes, we must talk in badly spelled newbie-stereotype script to ward
off the reversing effect the fridge interior has. Otherwise we may turn into
our previous newbie selves once again!
(We follow the tea-lady. As she steps out of the room, she begins fiddling
with her chin...or is it?)
Tea-lady: Freakin' thing won't come off...
(After a few more seconds of fumbling, she gets at something, and pulls her
face off. It's a mask, of course. Under the mask is a spy! Also known as
NerTo.)
NerTo: Ahahahahaha! (The plot sickens!)
(Dun dun DUN!! What will happen to our heroes? Will the lamers destroy the za
once and for all? Is that canister really explosive? Find out on Version
2.00...right now.)
Scene 4: #/mefallsover. Tis a strange and freakish place, to say the least.
Towards the back of the channel, somewhere behind the prison cells, is the
fridge. It's a big fridge, and when I say big, I mean fucking MASSIVE.
<Nadir> R U REDDY 2 ROKK
<Scribbit> (checks his backpack one last time) YISSS
<Lord_Igsel> RGHIT POPPLE LTESS GOOO LOLOOLLOL
(They all run into the fridge, and the screen fades to white, a la Thelma &
Louise...)
(The ZZTers find themselves in what seems to be an ice cavern. It stretches
off a looooooooong way...)
UltraX: WHORE R WEE?
FishFooob (hehe): IN MY PENII. NO WAIT, INN TEH BKA OF THEE FREEG.
DoggyShop: POOPLE LETTS MVOE!!! YAY SRR
Zenith: WEE = URINE!
(Meanwhile, in another part of the fridge...we see Parasite and NerTo
traipsing through, with very lethal-looking guns attached to their arms.)
Parasite: Are we there yet?
NerTo: Just a little further.
Parasite: Are we there yet?
NerTo: Just a little further.
Parasite: Are we there yet?
NerTo: Just a little further.
Parasite: Are we there yet?
NerTo: Just a little further.
Parasite: Are we there yet?
NerTo: Just a little further.
Parasite: Are we there yet?
NerTo: Just a little further.
Parasite: Are we there yet?
NerTo: Just a little further.
Parasite: So, why are we here again?
NerTo: For the last time, we're going to meet the ZZTers here in the caverns
and then blast their heads off with these handy lasers.
Parasite: How imaginative you are.
(Meanwhile, back with our palz...)
Lord Igsel: OHH DEAR
Kid Vid: I FELL OVER 9516346483452 TIMESS LOLOOL
Zenith: R OUI NEERYL TAHER???/////
DoggyShop: (looks up from the map he's holding...upside-down.) NTO YET NARDI.
WEE MSUST TKAEE A LFETF ATTHSI NXETT TRUN!!!!!!1111111111
Scribbit: YAY SRII
(Suddenly, Parasite and NerTo jump out from behind an icicle stalagmite!)
FishFood: YAY SIRS
Lord Igsel: OHH DEAR
Kid Vid: /ME FALLS OVERRR
(and so on, and so on.)
NerTo: Shut up with the crap already. Eat laser!!!
Zenith: AIEE
Parasite: Scared?
Zenith: NOO J0R PRESNSSE JSUSST CAUSSESDMEE 2 CUMMMM IN MYY PANTIES.
NerTo: Ahahahahaa. Die, bitches.
Parasite: Oh my god NerTo! You're swearing! That's unheard of!
NerTo: So I am...
Parasite: And I've suddenly lost my need to plug Flaming Kitty! Good grief!
UltraX: OHH DEAT TEHYY FROGURT 2 SPEEK INNI NOOB TOKKK
NerTo: Oops...
(Suddenly Parasite and NerTo suddenly develop MAD SKILLZ and release a
magazine. It's not a pretty sight, as it involves much flesh-ripping,
convulsion and blood-letting as they mutate into intelligent, skilled ZZTers
with respect for others.)
NerTo & Parasite: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGWARGJGRGHGHJGHYKGJLJKHOPRWEOPGSGJDHGHTT
RGTDTHFJHOPDFJDFHJDFPHJSHKDFHNDHDFJSOAIHPANHIOAHSIPNHSRHNPHHEAALRNHPSPHNSNHOSN
DRGOSWRHJSPSRPGTWRJYHJPOPHJOSRHSPBASAPOAPETAQWEPFPEQFOPSNHSGMSRJRTYWJTORGASMIK
(After two minutes of this graphikal display, they suddenly fall to thr.)
UltraX: (Approaches NerTo, pokes him with a stick) II THNIK THERR DEDD!
KKairos: Not so. And I'm not NerdTo anymore, My name is now KKairos.
Kid Vid: KKRAISO>>.??
KKairos: Yes, as in the Bible scripture. Doi.
Parasite: We've learnt the errors of our ways!
FishFood: FIGGREZD. TEYVVE MUTTAETD IN2 OLDDBEES!!!1111
KKairos: WEE SHLAL HLEEP U 2 FERRE XABBUTT AFNDN HIMM.
Kid Vid: OHH DEAR WOTEVVR NXET???
(They set off towards the za message boards...)
Scene 5: Back in #sledgehammer.
<xabbott> wow Igsel, that was really impressive! i never knew you know the
ancient powers of haiku! the way you blew zzturd's skull out of his head
without touching his brain was amazing!
<Lord_Igsel> (modestly) Well, it's not like there was much to hit...
<FishFood> Yeah, and the way you floored Evan Darrow using only your uvula!
I really hope that doesn't get edited out!
<G-Dawg> I doubt they'll mess with us again in a while.
<KKairos> So, can we be your friends now?
<Dragon1> NO
<druggiezamros> OHH GOD PLEEEZE NOOOOOO
<Nadir> Do you promise not to destroy things any more?
<Parasite> Yeah.
<Nadir> Reeeeeally?
<Parasite> Yes!
<Nadir> Really yes?
<Parasite> FOR FUCK'S SAKE YES ALREADY
<Nadir> Not even to burn pieces of paper?
<Parasite> ..can't we meet halfway on that??
<Nadir> K. Welcome on board.
<hm> now we're back, we must perform our duties to dragon.
<Dragon1> EWW
<hm> not like that, you dead person.
<Dragon1> ...huh?
* hm quickly floors Dragon and ties his hands behind his back.
<Dragon1> I told you, I'm not dead!!
<hm> yes you are! we must hold the ceremony.
<Parasite> Ooh goody! BERRY DRAGON I SHLAL B TEHH PASTA
<Kid_Vid2> MMM PASTA
<xabbott> you do that. i'm going to go rebuild the archive. and kkairos WILL
help.
<KKairos> S'pose it's only fair...
Scene 6: Dragonlord's Funeral.
(Five ZZTers stand on a windswept hill, around a crudely-dug hole in the
ground with a Celtic cross w/ a circle thing at the head. Most notably is the
bereaved DoggyShop, standing by the grave in a black dress sobbing noisily
into a lace hankerchief.)
DoggyShop: waah
Parasite: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Dragonlord's dead, in God we trust.
Voice from beyond the grave: Damnit, I'm not dead! I even starred in
the last episode!
HM: yes you are!
(Dragonlord starts to climb out.)
DoggyShop: waah
XAbbott: IT'S A ZOOOOOOMBIE!!!!11111111 AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH
"Zombie" Dragonlord: (approaches Parasite) YOU NEWBIE YOU
Parasite: Eat this, bitch!
(Parasite cocks his laser gun and blasts Dragonlord's head off.)
Dragonlord: Ow! My eyelid!
DoggyShop: waah
Parasite: Now, where was I? Ah yes, ashes to ashes...
(Dragonlord falls back into the grave, and the rest of the burial ceremony
goes as planned.)
(several hours later...)
Dragonlord: I'm not dead...I think I'm getting better. Hey, stop that, ya damn
worms.
DoggyShop: waah
#end
"This is a cruel and unusual punishment!"
]]>
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